Intensity

I think that this piece of writing, like most, has both good and bad points. The good points are that the theme of music was interpreted in an intriguing way, and although it is at points a bit confusing, overall I think it works. Another good point about the text is that it definitely conveys a sense of increasing intensity: the use of the instruments has allowed you to build up the atmosphere in an abstracted and yet still tangible way.

The bad points about the piece, although some are minor, are obviously still worth pointing out.

The first two sentences seemed to me to contradict each other. “All you had to do was say hello. Words may not be anymore, but the music of your voice is.” – if the voice is being musical, surely something must be being said? Similarly, why did they have to say hello? It doesn’t seem to link to the next sentence particularly, and is also a fairly clichéd phrase.

The next sentence – “I can hear all the notes you play, up and down your vocal cords, up and down my heartstrings.” – also confused me slightly. I know what you intend to communicate, but the way in which the sentence is structured led me to become slightly confused, and I admit I had to read the sentence another time before I properly understood it. I’ve tried thinking of another sentence but to be honest, I don’t think this one is entirely necessary anyway. Certainly, the idea of playing the notes of vocal cords etc. is still one that you can explore, but I think that for me, ‘heartstrings’ immediately leapt out as just a little too corny, so I would recommend removing it.

The phrasing of “My heart sounds like the whole percussion section tried to drown it out” also seems a little awkward. The problem is, it’s unclear exactly what ‘it’ is. There’s also a shift in tense: ‘sounds’ is present tense, whilst ‘tried’ is past tense. This confuses the sentence, although correcting it still won’t completely remove the problem. “My heart sounds like the whole percussion section is trying to drown it out” still sounds a bit odd. The reason for this is that up to this point of the text, musical objects have been directly related to elements of the people. “Music of your voice”, “trumpet voice”. With this sentence, this seems like it could be the intention but then it turns out that actually, the percussion section is separate to the heart. A better phrasing would thus be something like “The whole percussion section plays rapidly to the beat of my heart.” That way, you still have the idea of the heart beating quickly, and the idea of a loud percussion section, but the relation is much clearer.

I’ve already highlighted one or two clichés, but there are several others. I think that’s probably one of the main problems within the text: because it’s confronting the theme of a growing bond between two people which could potentially be love, it immediately opens itself up to a chasm of clichés which, unfortunately, it’s at least dangled its leg into, although it hasn’t quite fallen into it completely. “heart”, “black-and-blue”, “the lull of your gaze”, “there's more in your eyes than I have ever known” and “the brush of your hand against mine” are all fairly clichéd ideas and phrases, which I would recommend you try to rewrite.

Judging by the comments, you’ve already been told a little about the ending. Basically, it’s too fractured. “And. The timpani. Stops. Silence.” could easily be “The timpani stops. Silence.” However, this silence should then be explored in some way. It seems to just stop and then start again within two very short paragraphs. This doesn’t work. There doesn’t seem to be any reason for either of the paragraphs anyway, so if I were you, I would just remove them and after the lips touching paragraph just have the “Pianissimo is overrated”, to give it the impact that it deserves.

The use of the ‘boom’ idea is repeated too often too. “Boom-boom-won't-your-heart-beat-faster-please-boommm.” Seems unnecessary, so I would remove that to help remedy the problem. I also don’t think it works removing the hyphens, or extending the letters on boom, it just makes it slightly harder to read, so I’d recommend editing that a bit.

Overall, I think that although there are obviously flaws, which I’ve tried to focus on, the piece still has a lot of potential. As previously stated, the idea is intriguing and it’s presentation is fairly effective. Hopefully this critique is helpful <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Smile)"/> Please don’t take too much notice of the ratings. If you have any questions or want clarification on anything I've said, I'd be happy to provide it. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Smile)"/>